Did you ever wonder why some people seem to have it made, to always have a wide circle of friends, to be able to say things that people listen to? While others struggle just to be seen? Mitch Prinstein brings research findings on how people act, how they talk about others, how their brains work, to this topic and uses anecdotes to share his findings. Popular is easy to read, accessible to us non-specialists, and full of interesting – and helpful – information.
Prinstein divides “popularity” into two types, one is basically status and the other is likability. He points out that the status type tends to make people miserable over the long haul as people either burn out from being treated as objects or seek foolish aims. Think about anyone you might know who was high-status in middle or high school but who ended up not very successful as an adult. Or celebrities who both lust after fame then despise how it works in practice.
Prinstein sees likability as very important and worthwhile. He shows how most likable people genuinely care about others, are kind, follow the rules, help people in groups and one-on-one. As he puts it, the most likable people actually live in a different world than most of us, a world where things tend to go very, very well.
He talked some about people who are the opposite of likable, those who are disliked. These people tend to be bad at picking up social cues or don’t respond to others in ways that are comfortable to be around. He points out that most of the little gaffes are truly tiny, but add up to a personality that others avoid.
One item I found especially fascinating is how disliked people react . Most bring some level of aggression while others tend to step back and fade out. Some put their heads down and just work, but most get snarky or unpleasant, some backbite and gossip. It was interesting to think back where some of these scenarios played out. Of course it’s always easier to see things from the perspective of distance!
Prinstein has some advice for parents who want their children to be popular and for those of us who would like that for ourselves. First, he cautions against seeking the status type of popularity. It’s the type we all think of but it doesn’t do us much good and we tend to blur our thinking about status and likability too much .
Second, he suggests that parents give kids opportunities to play with others, that they help kids by playing with them, by talking through social situations, especially younger children. Kids that are too shy or too aggressive are disadvantaged here but a wise parent can possibly help.
Also, while we tend to get a level of popularity/likability as children that stays with us for our lifetime, we can adjust our behaviors to increase our likability. There’s a risk here that someone can try too hard, become unauthentic, but all of us can strive to be kinder, more thoughtful, pay attention when others talk, not interrupt. It is possible to make ourselves at least somewhat more liked by our actions.
Popular is a fascinating book on an interesting subject, well-written and easy to follow. Author Prinstein avoids being preachy or too prescriptive and makes his point by illustrating it with his research subjects. Overall excellent.
4+ Stars